EGGS

 

A One Act Play

(An Excerpt)

The set comprises a reception waiting area with six comfortable but functional chairs and a small table in between them, breaking them into threes. The table has a pile of magazines on it. There is also a water cooler on a table behind the chairs.

When the lights go up a person is already seated at the far end of the seats SL (seat six). The person, PERSON1, is studiously reading a magazine.

A second person enters SR, smiling and fidgety, PERSON2. He sits in the middle seat to the left of the table (seat two).

PERSON2
Hi there.

PERSON1
Hi.

PERSON2
You next?

PERSON1
It would appear so.

PERSON2 reaches over takes a magazine. He flicks through, clearly not interested.

PERSON2
You been waiting long?

PERSON1
About twenty minutes.

PERSON2
Oh. That long? Must be a backlog.

PERSON2 fumbles in his pocket and brings out a roll of mints.

Would you like an extra strong mint? They’re good for concentration. Well they’re good for a lot of things, indigestion, colds, bad breath. I know people who swear by them. Nothing like a good mint my grandma used to say. Although they’re not so good for your teeth. Then again, she didn’t have any.

PERSON1
Thanks but no.

PERSON2
You been to this kinda thing before?

PERSON1
No I haven’t actually.

PERSON2
Oh.

PERSON1
Have you?

PERSON2
Oh yeah. Loads.

PERSON1
So what exactly….err.

PERSON2
Huh? Oh! Well, if you’re successful at the interview they get you onboard straight away. No messing about, no second interview. These guys know exactly what they’re looking for. If you’re successful you take the second door on the right as you leave. You pretty much start straight away.

PERSON1
And if you’re not?

PERSON2
You go home. You try again.

PERSON1
That’s a lot of pressure.

PERSON2
Sure is but I hear they make it worth your while.

PERSON1
What sort of things do they ask you?

PERSON2
Usual stuff. You know?

PERSON1
Not really. Like what, for instance?

PERSON2
That old chestnut about your three main strengths? You must know that one?

PERSON1
Uh, I’m not really sure.

PERSON2
You must know that one. What would you say are your three main strengths? I been hearing that one for about three decades now. You have to be a little wary of that one. They tend to use it right near the beginning to sift out the wheat from the chaff. So most of the over-confident ones will come out with all their me, me, me crap and they’ll sit quietly until they’re finished. And then wham! They pitch in with the next one. What would you say are your three main weaknesses? And you cannot believe the number of times people fall for that. “Oh my timekeeping is terrible, I don’t like to be organised, I don’t work well under pressure, I hate working with women”. Suckers! Straight into the trap. Not me. I got the perfect answer. And I shouldn’t be telling you this but as there’s more than one position going. It’s this. Think of your three strengths and make ‘em good. Then when they asks you about your weaknesses say, “well you’d really need to ask the people I worked with before to get a true reflection but I will say this, a strength taken to extremes can become a weakness. Someone who is passionate about time keeping can also be seen as inflexible, someone who organises everything methodically and systematically can be seen as lacking spontaneity, someone who classifies themselves as an ideas person often lacks the patience to implement anything.” They love it. Watch out of the corner of your eye and you’ll see those heads nodding like cows at feeding time. So. What are you’re three main strengths?

PERSON1
I’ve never thought about it.

PERSON2
Come on. Your up next. Think about it.

PERSON1
Uh, I enjoy working with people.

PERSON2
Yeah? So did Dr. Frankenstein. I said make it good.

PERSON1
Hey, it’s a bit late for this. I don’t know what to say.

PERSON2
Okay. Let’s see. How about you say something along the lines of “One of my strengths is the ability to communicate effectively with people to get the job done correctly, in the least possible time while also helping to create a conducive working environment.” How does that sound?

PERSON1
Wow. That sounds great. Hope I can remember it.

PERSON2
It means the same thing but they like a lot of words. So. Number two?

PERSON1
Uh. Well...

PERSON2
Do you go to church?

PERSON1
What? Will they ask that? Does that make a difference?

PERSON2
I dunno. I was just making conversation.

PERSON1
Oh. No. Not really. Well, I haven’t been since I was a kid. I used to love it back then though, especially singing hymns. Most of all I loved Christmas time with the carols and the nativity scenes. But as I grew up I grew out of it, I guess. And now I don’t know what I believe. There are so many churches in our town. Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Latter Day Saints, Jehovah’s Witness. And that’s just a few. Faith has become so complicated. I don’t remember feeling that way when I was small. It seemed anything but. And now having travelled I’ve met people, good people, who have different faiths altogether, although I must admit that I’ve found it strange how a lot of their teachings have a familiar ring to them. I guess they all have their merits. As I say, it’s become so confusing.

PERSON2
Ain’t that the truth.

PERSON1
And yet I feel like it shouldn’t be.

PERSON2
Do you like eggs?

PERSON1
Eggs?

PERSON2
Yeah, you know. Eggs.

PERSON1
Sure I like eggs.

PERSON2
Well think of faith as being eggs. Plain and simple. Eggs. Of course, people being what they are they’re never happy with anything simple so they gotta create all sorts of variations, like scrambled eggs, fried eggs, boiled eggs, poached eggs and then throw in a couple of other ingredients and you got omelettes, French toast, pancakes, crepes and so on. And then people say, this is how I want mine done, this is the style I like the most, that I’m gonna have from now on. And they make 'em better than anyone else’s and will even get into arguments about them. But you know what? At the end of the day, it’s still eggs. No matter how you serve it up.

PERSON1
You have an interesting way of looking at things.